"Now you're gone, there's nothing left to go on, to go on..."
In May 2017, I took a night bus to Ghent with the grand ambition of writing a song. I had written one just a few days before on my guitar. I had been keen to incorporate a term that we used at the hostel, so I called it Check Out. The lyrics cited the well-honed seduction techniques from our local Lothario: "Leave tonight with glow-sticks in your shoes, it's a sign you're just another conquest, just another conquest..." It only really meant something to those who were there.
The idea of songwriting tourism came about when I reflected upon one former colleague who locked herself up in an Amsterdam apartment to write an EP. I knew I couldn't do anything like that, I'm too much of a tourist to refrain from going to the castles and the op shops. I need to go to the record shops and hassle the record store owners about the local scene in the 1980s. I need to go to the clothing shops and Shazam every song. I talk to too many people. I make too many friends. No way could a song materialise from that...
I did try on that trip to Ghent though. Between the frantic tourism, I went from coffee shop to coffee shop, writing Pat Pattison-style boxes containing lyrical narratives in my flimsy cahier. Nothing materialised. It wasn't until I came upon Le Bal Infernal, a used book cafe, when something changed. I sat in the corridor, watching a silent film flicker on the creamy stone walls, probably creating a fire hazard. An inter-title flashed up and stung me: "My heart's broken. I must be alone with my thoughts."
I ordered at the bar. I sat down with a mocha and Trust Accounts arrived.
I worked out the chords and keyed in a primitive melody on Caustic, a synthy app on my phone. I wrote lyrics down in pencil, fearing a mistake but it fell out intact. The people on the next table asked me, "What are you doing?!" I laughed. You would have thought I would feel embarrassed or annoyed but I felt totally elated. Randoms witnessed this outpouring of frantic MIDI coding and my god, I had never identified as a songwriter, but these strangers just saw me writing a song.
Certain lines of Trust Accounts felt like a Jessie Ware song to me: "Why must we act as if this is forever when love expires at the end of the night? Why must I care and hope and wish whenever you say that we can talk and share despite..." It wasn't about any one person, it was about a pattern that rolls on in perpetuity: men demanding trust in an intrusive way.
My version of Trust Accounts is not the definitive version. My friend, Marcella Wright of the synth duo Silent Income recorded a cover of it. She sends me videos of her singing it on stage in Melbourne: "Demand accounts, you can talk, you can trust me..." If it wasn't for her, Trust Accounts would have lived and died as an unheard scrappy demo, but she arranged it and transformed it, giving it this beauty and iridescence.
The lyrics still sting, but I love that. I love how it honoured, and still honours, my truth.
Cassettes & Chocolate Milk: Consequential Lyrics Fan Podcast #76
Bronski Beat - Smalltown Boy (David M. Green's VHS Revue)
Faunts - M4, Pt. 2 (Word Tweak's Substack)
Brand New - Seventy Times 7 (Jessa Stephens' My Girlfriend Dolly)
New Order - Subculture (IJ Wilson's Halloween Listening Party on FOTW Radio)
Echo and the Bunnymen - A Promise (Mark Silver's Twitter)
Sparks - Equator (Rebecca Sheedy's Mild Scribbling)
Paul Simon - The Obvious Child (Shot97's YouTube)
Belle and Sebastian - Desperation Made a Fool of Me (Teatles' Twitter)
Pink Floyd - Time (David M. Green's VHS Revue)
Bloc Party - Plans (Sharronswims' Instagram)
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4 comments:
Great stuff Eleanor. Always keep going.
Thank you, @Anonymous! I will certainly try!
Trust Accounts is such a great song!
Thank you @Red River, you're too sweet ššš
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